


Love me, Love me Not

by snchoerry



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Love, Love Confessions, Maybe HAppy ending, Mild Blood, Minor Injuries, Misunderstandings, Multi, Pain, Sad, Unrequited Love, because they both deserve the best, choerry is an angel please protec her, jungeun and jinsoul are choerry's parents, like really squint, protec hyejoo, she's babie, squint for lipsoul, this hurt me writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23662000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snchoerry/pseuds/snchoerry
Summary: "Flowers from me to you; you who doesn't even see me the way I see you."Yerim was fine with it at first, but she just had to cough up snow white petals that put her through pain and complete discomfort.The worst part? She knew exactly who it was for.
Relationships: Choi Yerim | Choerry/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye, Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip, Park Chaewon | Go Won/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye
Comments: 23
Kudos: 173





	1. Surprise! Petals.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I keep seeing fanfics about the hanahki disease and, curious, I decided to read up on it. I was really intrigued by the whole idea and decided to write it for hyerim because the lack of stories for this ship is ungodly. Anyways, enjoy and I apologize for the angst :D 
> 
> Brief warning: there is the mention of blood a couple times.
> 
> (Also, I didn't look over this like at all, so pardon any grammar and spelling mistakes.)

Yerim doesn't exactly remember what she was doing beforehand. All she could recall was running to the bathroom, nearly falling onto her knees, and pain that surged through her body like there was no tomorrow. She felt her chest constrict against herself and her lungs were barely sucking in any air. Yerim could also remember how her violent coughing echoed in the bathroom, painfully scratching against the walls as she tried to vomit out whatever had been hidden in the base of her throat.

And then and there she saw blood start to trickle down the corner of her lips, running down to her chin. The pain was unbearable, almost to the point that tears left her eyes and her body trembled.

And now she was here. Sitting in her room, pale and tired. In her hand laid vibrant petals of white with a faded purple that cascaded down the sides of the petal. Yerim could only feel the burning of anxiety flare in her chest as she looked at it. It was mocking her.

There was no need to investigate about who these cursed flowers are for. Yerim _knew_ and that's the worst part. She despised the situation she was in, ultimately feeling frustrated at what had happened just a few minutes ago in the bathroom.

Yerim sighed and put the petals aside, hiding it between the pages of a book she had been reading recently. She was thankful that her members had decided to leave the dorm for a bit considering they had all been itching to go out. Even Hyejoo went out, though she and Chaewon had gone a separate way from the others.

Hyejoo.

Yerim groaned in frustrated, taking one last glance at the book before standing up and leaving her room. She made it her goal to leave those thoughts behind, to put those pesky feelings aside but with the petals not showing up? It wouldn't be easy.

"It's _that_. Huh." Yerim mumbled to herself, pouring warm water into a cup, "If only it were really fictional." She added, making her way towards the tv. Her body was still weak from the whole fiasco so she tried to be as relaxed and slow as possible since there was the possibility of fainting.

Yerim had always admired Hyejoo. She doesn't know when it started, really. Maybe it was when they used to go to school together, when their walks had consisted of laughs and little conversations about their upcoming idol life. Or maybe it was during their _So What_ promotions when she had seen Hyejoo, yet again, shine in the spotlight. Eyes glimmering with attitude and pride when she danced on stage; fury present in those brown eyes. It was hard to find the exact beginning but, it wasn't much of a bother anyways.

Yerim had seen in it loud and clear. She was left in the corner, the shadows casted over her as she watched Hyejoo and Chaewon converse endlessly. Yerim assumed they were dating; they most likely were. They're always together, arms tangled with one another, endearing smiles meant for one another, laughs and giggles that resulted of one them cracking a joke. They were always in their own little world.

Yerim was happy for them. She really was. But the burning pain of jealousy was always there, no matter how hard she tried to avoid the image of them enjoying life whereas she was stuck _here_. But it doesn't matter. Hyejoo is happy. That's all the really matters.

"I'll just forge-" Her eyes widened on instinct as she felt yet another petal rushing up her throat. Yerim let out a hasty breath, bending over the couch and slapping her fist against her chest. She coughed, her face turning slightly red. "Two in a row.." She grumbled, her voice was rough and scratched. Yerim glanced down at the blood covered petals, the white barely shining through.

She wiped away the blood that escaped her mouth and grabbed a few tissues to cover up her problem. Well, a quarter of it; not even.

Yerim wanted to tell someone, but everyone was busy. Their minds had been infested with promotions, choreography and schedules; she would be selfish if she told them now, wouldn't she? Yerim had decided against it, delaying the truth for now. All her members had only rested today so she let them have her fun.

***

"Good evening Yerimie!" Jiwoo screamed in delight, clashing into Yerim with the brightest of smiles plastered on her face. The latter returned the same energy, wrapping her arms around the other sun of their group.

"What did you guys buy?" Yerim squealed, already running to Jungeun with an expecting expression.

"We bought some ramen since everyone's been craving for some." Jungeun brought out a few cups; Yerim intently stared at the container, her eyes filling with hunger and her mouth slightly open. Jungeun chuckled and ruffled Yerim's hair affectionately, "We also got some other stuff. But! Sooyoung and I will organize this stuff first before we eat!"

Sooyoung groaned, her arms dropping to her sides as she lazily walked into the kitchen. Everyone else frowned at the thought of having to wait for the food to cook. Yerim giggled and skipped to where Jinsoul was, jumping right beside her and snuggling closer; their bodies were practically squished together.

"What's with all the affection today?" Jinsoul looked at her with an eyebrow raised and a smirk that was sly and almost prideful.

_I'm in so much pain unnie. My throat hurts, my whole body feels like it's burning._

_Help me, unnie._

"Nothing!" Yerim sat up, crossing her arms, "You're one of my favourite so I'm just trying to show it." She chuckled when Jinsoul nodded with pride, winking at her and telling her how proud she was. Yerim smiled, appreciating the endless affection that the older girl has given to her.

Jiwoo gasped, interrupting their giggles with her exasperated expression, complimented by her wide eyes, "I thought I was!" She pouted, though it was soon replaced by a playful grin.

"Did you forget which sub unit she's in?" Jinsoul crossed her arms, a smug smile plastered right across her face. She seemed so proud, her posture giving it all away. Her back was straight and her chin was pointed slightly up, like she was showing off her superiority. "Odd Eye Circle. Aka, she's technically my child now."

Jiwoo huffed, shaking her head with a high pitched _nooo._ The two went on to bicker, throwing each other nonsense insults that had no correlation to the topic of their little argument. Their voices had gone to a halt only when the sound of their dorm door clicking shut and the sound of shoes tapping against the carpet bounced off their walls.

Yerim felt her heart pound and she began to fidget slightly. She subtly shook away her movement, quick to cuddle closer to Jinsoul just in case she felt another stir of emotions start to eat her up. Yeojin peaked over the kitchen walls, waving hastily, "We have ramen!" She practically screeched before being scolded by Hyunjin about something.

Yerim cautiously drew her eyes towards the entrance and there she saw Hyejoo and Chaewon standing side by side. Their arms shyly brushed against each other, almost as if they were teasing the chance to hold hands. Chaewon smiled, "Yeah I can smell it from all the way here."

Hyejoo nodded and followed suit, her body luring itself towards the living room while Chaewon has made her way towards her room upstairs. Yerim only now noticed that this was the only time where they had separated.

The thoughts started to pile up in her mind, jarring her joy from beforehand and sabotaging each and every rational thought. She felt her stomach twist instantly and her body shiver. Yerim cleared her throat as to force those intoxicating thoughts to leave before she reveals her newly found secret.

"Oh Yerim!" Jinsoul turned towards her, making Yerim wince slightly at the sudden volume of her voice; she forgot she was sitting beside her. "You have something near your chin." Jinsoul raised an eyebrow, a chuckle escaping her lips as soon as she said so.

Yerim tilted slightly and swiped the pad of her thumb across her chin, looking down at it and gulping. _Blood._ Yerim was quick to scan their floors, hoping that no other evidence was visible. She was relieved to see the surface free of any red stain and her mind relaxed a bit. Yerim giggled, "Oops, I was eating some strawberries, my bad!" She chuckled, scratching the back of her nape.

Jinsoul nodded knowingly and turned back to Jiwoo, this time Yerim decided it was best to join in on the conversation. Hoping to distract herself from the nipping thoughts that tried so hard to destroy her day even further.

Hyejoo's eyes tore away from her phone, landing onto the surface of Yerim's back. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly as she watched the brunette converse so freely with her two older members. _That's weird._

_I thought we ran out of strawberries._

***

Dinner was, honestly, torture. Every time Yerim looked up, all she saw was Hyejoo and Chaewon laughing their night away. They cracked jokes with each other, each of which unknown since they were inside jokes reserved only for the two of them. Their smiles were so wide Yerim thought their cheeks would've ripped apart had they not rested at least once.

Every time she saw the scene, the food at the tip of her tongue tasted bitter and almost left an empty satisfaction in her stomach. Her mind was slightly in a haze, and she so tried to avoid any possibilities of coughing up another basket of flowers. Yerim was anxious. She didn't want her members to find out, at least not today. Not when they're happy. Not when they're carefree and relaxed.

No. _That's selfish._

Yerim cleared her throat, hoping that the discomfort of her condition would just disappear into thin air. Luckily for her, the anxious feeling of coughing up snow white petals - with a wonderful pool of blood on the side - was _so_ unsettling that it had completely taken her mind off of the two love birds sitting in front of her.

"Yerim!" Jungeun leaned forward, hoping to meet Yerim's face over their obstacle that is called Jiwoo, "You, Jinsoul and I are suppose to be the first ones at the company on Saturday ok? Wake up early!" She scolded, to which the other girls chuckled at.

"Isn't that's impossible for her?" Hyejoo chirped, to which Yerim reacted with a gasp and crossed arms. The younger of the two just laughed, quickly adding a _just kidding_ as to diffuse the pouting Yerim.

"I mean Yerim still wakes up earlier than Jiwoo unnie so- ow!" Heejin winced as soon as the said victim slapped her lightly on the shoulder. "Am I lying though?" Heejin whispered, to which she received another smack.

Yerim wasn't usually a fan of waking up so early in the morning, which was a bit ironic in some shape or form considering many fans partner her up with the sun. She didn't hate it as much as Hyejoo did, but if she had to choose, Yerim would much rather close her eyes for a few more hours. Nevertheless, she's willing to deal with the burning sun shining onto her eyes Tuesday morning since _one_ at least she isn't alone and _two_ she doesn't have to deal with Hyejoo and Chaewon too early in the morning. And it was a week from now. She can rest by then, trying her best to avoid the same situation from earlier and all. 

It was worth a sacrifice and Yerim was more than happy to commit to waking up so early in the morning.

****

"Still can't believe Yerim was able to wake up earlier than you Jungeun." Jinsoul yawned stretching out her arms as she met Jungeun's eyes through their mirror. "I mean, congrats Yerim, but damn. Unexpected, really." She chuckled, groaning right after she heard a bone pop slightly when she bent her back a certain way.

Jungeun nodded in agreement, looking at Yerim with an amused look in her eyes, "I was surprised when I saw you all dressed up." She grabbed a water bottle to herself, tossing it to the younger girl in order to help her wake up a tad bit, "What time did you wake up?"

Yerim let the conversation pause for a few seconds as she tiredly forces water down her throat. She blinked a couple of times, shaking her head subtly to get rid of this mild headache that kept poking at the back of her skull before turning towards Jungeun with the faintest of smiles, "Around 5:30." She stood up slowly, using the table to aid her in doing so. 

_Wrong. I didn't sleep at all. In fact, I haven't slept since well yesterday._

Jungeun watched Yerim trudge her way towards the computer, the latter seemingly dragging her foot as to get closer. She saw the dark circles hibernating under her eyes, the extinguished fire in her doe eyes and Jungeun especially took note of how Yerim's back was slouched; there was barely any energy in this girl, and it was rare to see that. Jungeun turned to Jinsoul but the older girl was too busy watching over one of their other dance covers.

"Unnie?" Yerim's soft voice interrupted her trance, making her jump slightly at the sudden intervention. "I've been calling you but you haven't said anything, everything ok?" Yerim brown locks laid lazily upon her shoulders and her eyes looked a little more rounder, filled with a little more light than beforehand.

_I should be asking you that._

"Uh yeah." Jungeun cleared her throat; she noticed how Yerim's smile barely reached her ears and how the corner of her lips twitched slightly. "We should probably start practicing a bit before the others come, and warm up." Jungeun returned a soft smile and walked towards Yerim, taking control over the keyboard.

There was a pregnant pause amongst the three, none of which starting a conversation until Jinsoul did. "Hey, did you guys notice anything different about the members?" She turned around, finally facing them properly, though her expression twisted into one of curiosity. 

Yerim and Jungeun looked away from the laptop, "No? Why do you ask?" Yerim tilted her head slightly, straightening her own back the same way Jinsoul did earlier. 

"Really?" Jinsoul hummed, "It's just that - well - don't you think Chaewon and Hyejoo got closer?" 

The two names were enough to pierce an arrow through Yerim's heart. She really wanted to avoid hearing such names and she thought that an early morning practice would do the blinding sun justice but she was clearly mistaken. Yerim panicked a tad bit but kept her composure, catching herself from any predicament. 

Yerim felt Jungeun move behind her, "I guess so. Those two do go out a lot together and hang out a lot during recordings. Why, do you think something is going on? Cause I don't-" Jungeun continued the conversation and this was the only time Yerim _truly_ wanted to shake Jungeun of her curiosity - forget about their respective honorifics - and completely scold her for keeping this dreadful topic to drag on.

Jinsoul nodded, walking closer and keeping her voice a minimum, "Yeah! I mean do you see the way they look at each other!" Jinsoul whipped her head towards Yerim, much to the surprise of the younger girl, "Don't you agree, Yerimie!" Her eyes looked genuine and Yerim was pretty sure Jinsoul wasn't pulling some kind of prank that Sooyoung had asked her to do, unfortunately.

"Yeah. There's probably something going on." Her stomach twisted with those words and the taste in her mouth had become something so bitter and pungent that it made her head ache even more than it already did. Yerim walked away from the two older girls, who continued to debate, and hastily grabbed a water bottle for herself.

She chugged it down, praising the cold liquid running down her throat to calm her nerves and to push down whatever is suppose to come up. Yerim let out a desperate breath as soon as she let the bottle escape her lips and her chest heaved up and down as she did so. It was similar to the aftermath of jogging; breath jagged, chest pumping at a quick pace, heart pumping at a faster rate and a bit of a foggy sight from all that sweat. She took one last sip, her shoulders relaxing as she felt comfort slowly ease it's way in.

"Ok you know what!" Jungeun clapped, stopping Jinsoul from continuing on further, "Let's Warm up!" She huffed, stomping slightly towards the computer, her chest held up high. _She probably won the argument didn't she?_

Jinsoul only grumbled disapprovingly and strutted to her position, lips puckered slightly when she met Jungeun's eyes through their mirror. They both huffed and tore their eyes away, almost as if they were children. Yerim giggled at the thought and put away her water bottle, this time her hands stopped trembling, much to her luck. 

Yerim lunged forward, stretching out her thighs slowly breathing in from the terrible high she just got from almost coughing up white petals. Jungeun was behind her, doing the same but with a side of grumbling about the argument, whispering a few insults to which Jinsoul only glared at her. Jungeun groaned subtly, shaking her heels a couple of times and rolling her shoulders. "Chaewon and Hyejoo are dating, bet." Jinsoul coughed.

Before Jungeun could go on yet another rant, Yerim chuckled, "I mean, you never know!" She kept her velvet voice high, hoping that it could pass Jungeun's insane motherly radar. 

Jungeun crossed her arms and gave up trying to prove a point, instead she just rolled her eyes and stretched, "Yeah Yeah." She waved them off, mumbling a quick _get back to stretching_ to the two girls. There was a long pause between all three of them and Yerim was a little intimidated by the silence; it was rare and honestly odd when the two were so quiet.

****

An hour passed and soon enough, Jinsoul spoke up. "How come they aren't here yet?"

Jungeun stood up straight, "Hm, you're right. Can you get the manager and call?" She walked towards one of the walls, grabbing a bottle and taking a sip. Jinsoul threw her a quick thumbs up and left the studio room, shutting the door behind her a little carelessly so it made quite a thud. Yerim and Jungeun jumped but gave it no attention.

_What is she gonna do when they're here? Ignore them? Not even look at them?_

Yerim found herself staring aimlessly at the mirror, her eyes tracing the shape of her face as she continued to think. Her fingers curled around the bottom of her shirt, slightly wrinkling the fabric kept underneath. _She can't just pretend they aren't there, that's too obvious. But if she looks at them, it'll happen again, in front of all her members. They'll be worried and stressed out. That can't happen._ Yerim brought her hand up to her heart, placing her palm lightly over her chest. _But seeing them, it hurts so much._

_They'll be in their own world anyways. Hyejoo won't see me, she'll be with Chaewon. And everything's going to be ok. If I see them together, I'll just look away. If they talk to me, I'll just hold it in. Or maybe I can just get over it. Surely, I can do that. So what if they hold hands, or brush their foreheads together, or smile at each other with so much endearment. I'll be ok. I'm happy for them. They deserve it. They do. They deserve to be happy. I shouldn't be like this. Hyejoo would want me to be happy for her. Of course. I'll be ok._

_I'll be ok._

_I'll be ok._

_Everything's going to be ok._

"They said they're on their way! Heejin and Hyunjin just forgot something in the dorm that's they had to go back and look for it." Jinsoul's voice was merely an echo, it sounded so far. So distant from where Yerim was standing. Jungeun laughed and said something but it had faded in the distorted noise of the soundless void Yerim was stuck in.

_I can do this._

_I'll be ok._

_Surely, everything will just pass by._

_I can get rid of this without them knowing._

_I can do this on my ow-_

Yerim's cheeks puffed and she fell to her knees, bent over, coughing violently against the floor and clutching her stomach tightly. Jungeun dropped her water bottle, running to the younger girl's side as quickly as possible. Jinsoul didn't even bother letting the studio door close softly and rushed beside Yerim, her eyes meeting Jungeun's, panic evident in both. "Yerim tr-try to breath ok? Just try to breath-" Jinsoul's voice was interrupted by Yerim's breathless voice.

"Yerim we're here, just breath, we're here-" Jungeun's trembling voice added. Yerim opened her mouth to speak but to no avail. She harshly slapped her fist against her chest, her stomach pushing in as she continued to let out coughs that was soon accompanied by the bubble of liquid in her throat. Jungeun grabbed a bottle of water and tried to hand it to the younger girl but Yerim was far too restless to do so. Yerim hit her forehead against the hard floor and practically crashed her fist against herself - painful, but it worked.

Something rough left her lips, though with trouble, and slowly slid onto the floor. Yerim let out a wheeze and she hastily grabbed onto Jungeun's sleeve, clutching so tightly due to the rushed adrenaline. Jungeun rubbed her hand against Yerim's back and hastily tossed her the water bottle, to which the younger girl gladly took. She carefully let the water slide down her throat, careful to not trigger any gag reflexes. As soon as Yerim placed the bottle on the floor and let out a few short breaths, Jungeun was quick to pull her into a hug.

Yerim was too disorientated to even process what had really happened so she just lazily grabbed onto the back of Jungeun's shirt. The older girl ran her palm around Yerim's back soothingly and made her that her hold was tight but comfortable. Jungeun couldn't help but shake a little, considering the whole scene was unbearable and ultimately, painful, to watch. Seeing Yerim, who's practically her little sister, go through _that_ was terror in itself. 

Jungeun let Yerim get comfortable in her embrace, letting the girl melt into her arms in order to regain her energy and to let her ragged breaths slow down. "Jinsoul and I are here. Don't worry." Jungeun whispered, placing her head over Yerim's head, running her fingers through the younger girl's brown locks as well. Yerim was tucked under chin, and although they were both on their knees the younger seemed to have find comfort in their position.

"Jungeun." Jinsoul mumbled, which got the said member to look up. "Look." Jinsoul brought her hand up and showed Jungeun a flower, one that had yet to bloom but was almost there. The stem was a little bent, pointy roots poking on each side, which was unfortunate for Yerim. It was a whole flower, a whole flower that left Yerim's lips, that's why her throat to her head had been so red and why the pain that surged through her system was unbearably strong. 

Jungeun's eyes widened and she slowly looked down. There was a small pool of blood, sitting amply on the floor where Yerim had bent over and clawed at her clothing. "It's a whole flower." Jinsoul added, her voice was mum and merely a whisper, making sure to not bring anymore discomfort for the younger girl in Jungeun's arms.

"Holy crap." Jungeun managed to mutter out. She glanced down at Yerim and back to Jinsoul, "Does that mean-?"

"That means this isn't the first time." Jinsoul's eyes dropped and she look at Yerim, the corners of her lips curving into a frown as she thought of the pain that the younger girl had probably gone through for the past week. "Yerim.." She sniffed slightly and tucked a strand of hair behind Yerim's ear.

"I'm sorry.." Yerim muttered, through her rasp voice. Her fingers tightened slightly around Jungeun's shirt, "I was af-afraid to tell you." She coughed slightly to which Jinsoul cooed her for, telling her to take it slow.

Jungeun sighed. _Of course Yerim would think that way._ Jungeun slowly, and carefully, brought Yerim up, helping her to sit straight. She got the younger girl to look her in the eye, making sure that the gentle expression of hers will keep Yerim from drifting away, "It's ok." Jungeun smiled, softly, "But we need to talk about this ok? Yerim, this is hurting you and none of us want that."

Yerim nodded, much to the other two's luck. Jinsoul stood up and hid the flower, putting it in a place where the other members won't check or happen to pass by. "Maybe you should go ho-"

Yerim shook her head, "No!" She turned away from Jungeun, meeting Jinsoul's eyes, "I want to practice, I need to." 

"But Yerim-"

"Please." Yerim switched glances with Jinsoul and Jungeun, a pleading look in her eyes. "I-I know how to avoid it and if ever I'll just go to the washroom with one of you. If it gets bad I'll go home but I need to practice, at least once."

Jungeun shared a look with the eldest and sighed, defeatedly, "Ok, but take it easy. And you don't need to be hasty today." She stood up, assisting Yerim in the process.

"Promise." Yerim offered the two with a weak smile, "But we should probably clean this up right?" 

Jungeun and Jinsoul nodded in unison, "Right." The two chuckled lightly and grabbed a few towels, helping Yerim in cleaning the rather bright looking blood on the floor. Yerim saw how Jungeun looked so pained to clean up after her mess and couldn't help but apologize. Jungeun waved her off and said that it just hurt her seeing that whole scene unfold.

She told Yerim how her heart had literally jumped out of her chest as soon as she saw Yerim fall violently to the ground and practically wheeze across the floor with painful calls for oxygen. It was a horrid scene and Jungeun made it clear that she wants to talk it out, just so she wouldn't see Yerim in so much pain any more. 

"Yerim?"

"Jungeun unnie?"

"Let's talk about it when we get home ok?"

Yerim hesitated and nodded slowly, "Ok."

Soon enough the other members ran in, completely clueless to the whole situation, to which Yerim was completely fine with.

Thankfully enough, Jungeun had been keeping a close eye on her so it was hard to even focus on Hyejoo.

_For today_.


	2. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungeun and Jinsoul talk to Yerim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Sorry this chapter took so long. I had to rewrite this chapter several times because I never felt satisfied with the finished product but alas I finally wrote something that I was ok with
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> Talk to me on twitter too! (@ yejiichu)

Yerim was, unmistakably, always fond of her older members especially Jungeun and Jinsoul. Obviously that isn't to say that Yerim had favourites, it was just those two were held close to her heart considering she was in the same sub unit as them. Now, with that aside, there are times where Yerim often wondered why they had to treat her like their little sister - or child - when she was just a few years younger than them. She appreciated the affection and the concern, but oh does it start to make things a little more complicated than it should.

Like right now.

"Please stop pacing around, you're starting to worry me." Yerim muttered, her eyes pointed down and her lips pursed in a slight frown.

They were in their dorm - Jungeun's room. Jinsoul somehow found a way to keep the other members out of sight by convincing them that the three of them were just planning stuff for their next vlive. How true that lie was, Yerim wasn't sure. One thing's for certain, the three of them had no idea how to go about this topic.

Jinsoul breathed in, her eyes clamped shut, "I'm sorry." She sighed, to which Yerim looked at her, confused. Jinsoul pouted, sitting down on one of the bottom bunks. "I shouldn't have mentioned their names." She met Yerim's eyes, apologetic.

Yerim shook her head, a soft smile replacing her frown, "Don't be. You didn't know, it isn't your fault." She looked away, rubbing her arm as she spoke softly, "I was surprised you noticed though."

Jinsoul opened her mouth, as if to pop a joke - probably wanting to lighten up the mood - but Jungeun beat her too it. "Yerim, you coughed up a whole flower. Sure, it hasn't bloomed quite yet but it had a stem, with little thorns and-and it isn't just a petal anymore." She was fully turned towards the youngest, her volume raised, making Yerim wince. "How long were you going to keep this as a secret! This is dangerous, if we didn't know any sooner, you could have gotten sick or worst you-you-" Jungeun paused.

She was breathing hard and it was obvious to Yerim that she was waiting for quite a while to say it. Jungeun stopped dead in her tracks, realizing where she was going with her words, and breathed in. Yerim's heart ached. She knew Jungeun was just worried about her but that's what she wanted to avoid most. Her members taking time out of her lives to worry about _her_ condition that _she_ technically caused because of _her_ feelings.

"I know." Yerim sighed. She looked up at Jungeun with a crooked smile, "I just- I didn't want you to worry about me. So many things happened the past week. We got our first win, we started to receive schedules and I-I didn't want to ruin the fun. I wanted all of you to enjoy."

Jungeun and Jinsoul shared a quick look at each other, one that was knowing almost as if they were expecting this answer - which they were. The younger of the two took a deep breath and sat beside Yerim, her weight on the bed shifting a little, "Yerim, we're practically a family. Sure we want to enjoy the win but we still want _you_ to have fun. We care about you, a lot. You don't need to shoulder this alone, we're here for you, ok?"Jungeun smiled.

Yerim nodded, though it was obvious she wasn't fully convinced. Jinsoul hummed, sitting amply across the two, "Yerim, when did it start?"

"About a week ago? It just happened." Yerim groaned, recalling the memory, "I guess it just..got really bad that it set me up for _this_."

Yerim had always felt this way about Hyejoo. The beginning of all of this fluttering nonsense was and will always be a blur in her thoughts but with their "close" bond, Yerim wasn't surprised that this crush became something more. It was always easy for Yerim to push it down since their careers were their priority at the end of the day; however, it looks like her heart had different plans, much to her luck.

Jinsoul nodded and frowned slightly to see Yerim struggling with something so complex. As far as her knowledge goes, love was a ghostly concept even to her and having her younger member have problems related - well, more like, involving - it, was going to be a difficult obstacle to get over. Not to mention that Yerim had this whole condition attached to the ever so complicated feelings.

"I was always able to ignore it." Yerim continued. "I thought that maybe if I brushed it off long enough that these _feelings_ would just fade. You know, disappear like it was never there. Obviously I was wrong." Yerim chuckled, but the two heard the slight bitterness in her tone.

Jungeun watched as Yerim groan, placing her hands over her face and muttering incoherent words. She was sure the younger girl complained silently about her pesky emotions though, that much she heard.

Silence was starting to crawl into the room until Jungeun cleared her throat, making the two jump slightly, "You have two options." She piped.

Jinsoul and Yerim looked at her, the latter speaking first, "Two?"

Jungeun nodded, she smiled faintly, "It's either you confess to Hyejoo and tell her how you feel-," Yerim's eyes widened at the idea and almost shook her head instantly but she stopped when Jungeun's expression contorted into one that seemed hesitant and reluctant, "Or you can get surgery."

"I-.." Yerim stopped, as if to catch her breath a bit, "I can get surgery for this?" She doesn't usually like the sound of surgeries but for some odd reason this solution seemed much more plausible than the other.

Jinsoul nodded, crossing her arms, she met the younger girl's eyes, "But getting surgery will _completely_ take away your feelings for Hyejoo, Yerim. What you feel for her, is going to be taken away. You'll feel, _nothing._ "

Yerim was perplexed.

This past week has been absolute _hell_ for her. Seeing a glimpse of Hyejoo laughing with someone else (mostly Chaewon) had become a scene she'd much rather avoid or else it would push a gag reflex. Just a mere thought become something of a forbidden and risky manner. It was difficult and constricting; Yerim didn't like any of it one bit.

So, yes, if Yerim was offered this surgery earlier on, she'd probably accept it in a heart beat.

But taking away _everything_? Suddenly things have become complicated. Well, everything in her life had already taken a 180 but she completely underestimated how things could get worst from coughing up petals.

_Yerim really expected things to just end there in terms of difficulty._

But, everything? That means, seeing Hyejoo would just be _seeing_ her. Those heart warming moments where Hyejoo would mindlessly wrap her arms around Yerim's waist would just become limbs engulfing her from the cold air. Hyejoo's smile would become a mere image, not some kind of picture she would want etched into her brain; just a plain, meaningless image. Sure, maybe there would still be that same fondness, but it wouldn't be the same. It'll be an empty void.

Just a week ago, Yerim wanted all but this pesky condition and feelings but now she's having difficulty with this?

A solution that will not only take away her condition but also her feelings that she's pushed down for so long.

_What the hell? Why is everything so difficult. Why can't I just sleep and wake up and get rid of this whole dream._

Yerim, albeit the strings being pulled in her heart, held her head up high, "Maybe the surgery is for the best." She forced a smile but she knew better than to believe that her two perceptive members wouldn't notice, "It's better to focus on our group, not th-this."

Jungeun nodded but Yerim sensed the reluctance in her eyes, probably wondering if telling her about the second option was a good idea. Yerim understood but she wanted - no - _needed_ , to push these distractions down the base of her throat. It wasn't her priority, not now and not for a long time.

"I would let you do that."Jinsoul leaned back, arms crossed with a rather smug expression on her face, "But I won't."

Yerim raised an eyebrow, "What? But you told me that-"

"I did." Jinsoul met Yerim's eyes and they were playful, which only added to the agitation that started to churn in the younger girl's stomach, "That doesn't mean I'll let you do it though. Having surgery for something like that is irreversible, Yerim. I want to make sure you're making the right decision."

Yerim's fists balled and Jungeun's bed sheets wrinkled slightly. With a heavy heart, Yerim stood up, eyes filled with conviction and certainty it was almost intimidating on Jinsoul's part. "But this is the right decision! I need to focus on the now, not feelings. I have more important things to worry about, and we both know that, unnie." The honorific that left Yerim's lips were far from soft and was instead filled with slight poison.

Jinsoul was surprised to see this side of Yerim but it made her all the more convinced that the younger girl was making choices based on what her mind is telling her to do rather than what her heart is screaming her to follow. She held her ground, knowing full well that Yerim will only amount to regrets and guilt if she decides to follow the senseless commands her thoughts are telling her to do.

"And what about after Yerim?" Jinsoul stood up, matching the front that Yerim was trying to build. "Sure, focus on the _now_. Focus on LOONA and your life but did you seriously forget that Hyejoo is _also_ part of your life! I understand you want things to be easy, to let go of this nuisance but I'm going to be honest with you - completely obliterating your feelings for Hyejoo will only hurt more. More than it already does." She growled, trying her best to tame the frustration.

Yerim only stared at her, eyes devoid of that same fire she had tried to light up when setting her decision in stone. She opened her mouth to talk, maybe to retaliate with the same argument but she stopped. Yerim defeatedly stepped away from Jinsoul, eyes pointed down with her eyebrows furrowed. "I can't tell Hyejoo."

Jungeun stood beside the younger girl's side, hand running up and down Yerim's back, "Yerim, maybe you can give it a try. Please?" She sighed when Yerim didn't reply, only bashfully rubbing her forearm, "At least do this. That way you won't have any regrets."

"Let's make a deal." Jinsoul smiled softly at Yerim, making sure that the younger girl was finally at ease considering she did practically scold her. Jungeun looked at her like she was crazy, probably unaware of whatever deal Jinsoul can make up during something like this. "When you tell Hyejoo, at least have one of us around just in case something happens, ok? If things don't go well, then you can get the surgery."

There was a pause of silence.

"But-"

"Think of it this way." Jungeun was quick to gather herself, hoping to relinquish any hesitation Yerim might have. Sure the younger girl was obedient - super, actually - but Jungeun also knew that the mind had its ways in convincing someone to choose a path they aren't even sure about. A path that will only lead to a list of guilts and regrets just because it was deemed the _right_ choice.

"You loving Hyejoo is part of who you are. It's _ok_ to desire something, someone. It's normal and it happens to the majority of us. But Yerim, hiding it, trying your best to suppress it will only bring nothing but complete misery." Jungeun didn't know if she was exaggerating but she didn't care, "Once you get that surgery, your feelings are _gone_ but the memories remain. You may not feel your heart jump when you see Hyejoo but you'll remember the time that you did.

Yerim, our minds can be _toxic_. You'll regret once you think of the what if's, once you remember how good of a feeling it was to _love_ someone." Jungeun smiled, as softly as she can. She pressed her palm against the younger girl's shoulder, squeezing it, "Give it a chance Yerim. We'll be here for you, the other members too, ok?"

Yerim looked up, eyes weary. She didn't know whether or not to shed tears after their own speeches but her heart was staring to feel like it's being pulled in completely different directions.

Yerim was unsure.

She hopes that, at least, is normal.

Yerim wanted Hyejoo. She wanted to feel her arms wrap around her body, intimacy not being a problem. Yerim yearned for Hyejoo to look at her the same way she did, to look at her with the same love and care. Yerim wanted to everything with Hyejoo but she feared that the latter had wanted nothing with her.

Maybe that's what she already feels.

But she could give it a try right? After all, it's worth a shot.

At least she won't regret anything.

"So, promise you'll tell her?" Jinsoul's voice shook her, stealing her away from her own thoughts.

Yerim met their eyes, switching between the two. She took a deep breath and nodded, meakly, "Yeah."

****

Yerim was unsure-

_No_

-she was _afraid_.

It was the day after she had agreed with her other sub unit members that she'll confess to Hyejoo. She wondered why the girls had only given her minor reminders - minor as in Jinsoul slapping her back or Jungeun staring at her, blankly before drifting off. Both were pretty intimidating, one less physically damaging then the other but still alarming - but she was thankful for it.

However, it did her no good.

Yerim's fear was eating her up like she was some kind of meal to be devoured. Her voice would always get caught in her throat when she would ask to pull Hyejoo aside; it's almost as if her mind is mentally screaming at her.

_No! Do you have any idea what you're doing! You're going to ruin your friendship with her and your life, you idiot!_

Yerim could only curse at her _own_ thought process for constantly bullying her for her own choices (so much for self love). She could only distract herself from those intoxicating thoughts by dragging herself into a conversation with the other members (who are not Hyejoo) or by consistently watching tv. One is healthier than the other.

"Hey kiddo." Sooyoung waved at her, sitting in front of her. Her black, short hair splayed around her head and on the carpet. She looked relax and it was nice to see that since their leader being on a small break had shifted a few things.

Yerim waited a while. Fidgeting with her fingers. "Unnie?"

_Shoot, come up with an excuse qui-_

"Hm?" Sooyoung didn't turn her head to face Yerim - which she was grateful for so that way the older girl wouldn't have to see Yerim's internal turmoil - but it was still obvious that she was listening. Not half assing it and pretending to pay attention kind of thing.

_Just say you forgot. Just say you forgot. Just say you forgot. Just say you forgot. Just say you-_

"How do you confess to someone?" Yerim's words came out like a damn bullet, quick and sharp. She mentally slapped herself for being such a loud mouth, even to herself.

_You idiot. Oh my go-_

Sooyoung turned her head, eyebrow raised, "Confess?" This time the older girl sat up. A few strands of her hair flew up, probably due to static, but Sooyoung was quick to pat it down. Yerim's silence had probably lengthened considering she asked again, "What do you mean?"

Yerim was tempted to groan and quickly change the topic but knowing that Sooyoung wouldn't let something like this slip, she opted to stay honest.

"Like you know-" Yerim really has to think before speaking, "-About your feelings. Let's say you like someone and you want to tell them, but you don't know how. _How_ do you do that?"

Yerim tried to ignore it but she could see the obvious curiosity starting to peak in Sooyoung's eyes. The little spark that started to inherit a larger flame, one that was filled with suspicion and, she fears, conjecture.

"Well, it's better to tell them in person. Given that this is something personal to you and, soon, them it's better to do it face to face." Sooyoung took a deep breath, looking away from Yerim's eyes. Yerim almost let out a relieved sigh had it not been for the older girl to continue, "As for actually _communicating_ your feelings? Well, that's more of a method depending on you, yourself."

Yerim's worry had long faded and she tilted her head slightly, "On yourself?" She repeated.

Sooyoung nodded. "It can be quick and simple, like. let's say, a simple _I like you more than a friend_ can suffice." Yerim knew that her feelings were way out of range for something as short and, almost, shallow as that. She believed her feelings had become too extensive for a phrase as blunt and straightforward as that to express it. "Or, maybe it can be long. Extensive. It doesn't matter because no matter what, they're listening. Let your heart dictate."

Yerim was quick to answer, "But what about your mind? What if it's screaming at you to stop?"

Sooyoung chuckled, shaking her head, "When we're talking about feelings and, honestly, _love_? The mind should have little talking. The heart is what you use because that's the truth. Speaking with your thoughts on full blast to the point you can't hear your heart might lead to lies and excuses."

Yerim wasn't going to lie but she a little surprised. Sooyoung has always been an impressive advice giver, as if she was blessed by the gods or something to have such an intelligent tongue, but wow this was just, kind of refreshing. It's not that Jungeun and Jinsoul were no help - they truly were of help actually - it's just that Sooyoung's advice were so, so, direct. Almost stern. It was odd.

It wasn't as soft and gentle as Jungeun's. It wasn't as well-rounded and, almost, funny as Jinsoul's. Sooyoung's tone of voice, her words, were straight forward and held a certain attitude.

Yerim figured that maybe it's because Sooyoung wasn't aware of her situation and that she, ultimately, was just speaking her mind. But still.

"Why are you asking all of a sudden? Kinda threw me off not gonna lie." Sooyoung hummed, and the expression returned. The eyes that stared at her like a hawk, searching for _something_. An opening maybe, a passageway that will lead to her secrets, to her lair of buried feelings meant for her and, supposedly, herself only.

Yerim was afraid to tremble; fearing that it will give away her reasons. Leading to another barrage of questions, concerns, or whatever it is that Sooyoung might do. She opened her mouth, stuttering profusely with not a single excuse popping up in her mind. Yerim was reaching her wits end.

_I, I can't tell her what my situation is._

_She'll worry and then the process restarts. I can't tell her, not now, no dammit what should I say?_

_I don't want to lie but I have to._

_No! She's my member, I can tell her-_

_What if someone else hears? We're in the living room, someone - no - what if Hyejoo hears?_

_No, no, no, no, no-_

"Is this about Jinsoul and Jungeun?"

"Unnie I li-" Yerim stopped dead in her tracks and looked at Sooyoung, cautiously, almost. _Hold on, what?_ Yerim had to blink a couple of times to see whether or not if she was truly sitting in front of Sooyoung after hearing those two names suddenly come out of nowhere. "N-No- Wai- I'm-. Why do you think it's them?"

She tried to sound as nonchalant as she can.

Sooyoung suddenly pushed herself closer, her movement small and organized as if she was afraid the other members would suddenly waltz on in and hear their conversation (Yerim felt the same but this was for an entirely different reason, seemingly at least).

"I feel like there's something there, ya know?" Sooyoung smirked, as if she was proud that she was the one to notice something so hidden and trivial. Yerim didn't know whether or not to _pretend_ and say that her question was in fact related to those two; she didn't want to lie. But this was a chance for her to avoid another member being worried sick for her.

_I'm sorry._

"Yeah, actually, it is about them." Yerim mentally winced at her lie, but it seems that Sooyoung bought it just fine, thankfully. "They just act so different when they're together, sometimes I feel like a third wheel." Yerim giggled, to which Sooyoung joined in by offering a light chuckle, muttering a word of sympathy.

Yerim, well, she wasn't completely lying, right? Technically speaking, she did in fact feel like a third wheel majority of the time they hung out together (now that she thought about it's almost always she feels there was some slight hidden tension). So she was only _half-lying_ to Sooyoung.

Plus, Sooyoung was right, Jinsoul and Jungeun did seem to have this strange connection, one that was almost unseen by the both of them. Yerim didn't know if she and Sooyoung were looking too into it or that maybe those two really did have some sort of underlying relationship that even _they_ didn't talk or know about. It really depends how you view it.

Sooyoung started to drift away from the topic, dismissing it as a mystery that will only be discovered on it's own whether it'd be between them or someone else outside the pair. Yerim only nodded, trying her best to direct her attention away from the advice that the older girl had provided her earlier on in the conversation - when Jungeun and Jinsoul were yet to be mentioned.

_Let your heart dictate._

_Let your heart dictate._

Yerim didn't need Sooyoung to clarify something like that. It was obvious and clear; there was no need for a textbook meaning or some kind of 101 lesson about love and the heart. That phrase was loud and obvious, and that's what scared Yerim. She knows what to do, what's in her heart especially but the after thought, the aftermath, of all of that? What is it?

Her thoughts can only drift to the moment she screams her feelings at Hyejoo, only for the girl to mutter a sorry and a short yet simple explanation of her feelings not being reciprocated. Well, to be quite honest, these scenes were one of the more light-hearted ones; her other thoughts consist of her condition becoming a threat to her life and as pessimistic as she is right now, Yerim opted to say at least, _a little_ positive.

"Thanks Unnie." It was a late response, but a heavy one at that. Sooyoung didn't turn towards her, only waved at her and gave a clumsy thumbs up.

****

Yerim tumbled into the washroom, her hands clutching her stomach as she hastily closed the door behind her; trying her best to keep as quiet as possible. She let out a sob as she fell to her knees, her lungs felt rash and her vision was practically blurred with her tears. Yerim coughed violently but she tried her best to muffle it with the loud pounds of the sink pouring endless water. She wheezed, slapping her fist across her chest as she gasped for air but also wished that the damn flower in her throat would just leave.

One more rough and forced cough, the flower left her lips, laying rather vibrantly across the cold, hard floor. Yerim didn't even bother sparing it a single glance as she can only let her tears cloud her sight even more than it already has. The pain has passed - only becoming a stinging sensation that started to fade in the base of her throat - but the ache in her heart started to increase.

Yerim waited for a few seconds, breathing against the surface of the tile bathroom floor as she slowly caught her breath. Her mind was blank, devoid of any thoughts other than the ones yearning for any thing like water to calm her increased heart rate. She lazily lifted her head to take a look at the flower and only subtly groaned when she saw how it started to bloom, and how the thorns started to grow out.

She smacked her lips a few times, ignoring the rust taste of iron that pooled at her tongue, and brought herself up. Yerim avoided the reflection of her own in the mirror only because she knew she'll just shed a few more bitter tears and she was tired of doing so. She let a puddle of water grow in the palm of her hands before smothering it across her face, washing away the string of blood that rolled down the side of her lips and down to her chin.

It was disgusting, but not because of the blood, because of the utter frustration she was feeling towards herself _and_ towards Hyejoo, who had done nothing. Hyejoo, the girl who would only tease her for the smallest things, Hyejoo who would only let her win just for Yerim to finally smile, Hyejoo who smile at her with so much warmth but so little of the same mutual feelings Yerim felt. Hyejoo, who did _nothing_. None of this is her fault.

_I was just dumb enough to fall in love._

Yerim was quick to push away those thoughts considering she suddenly felt the same tingly feeling churn in her stomach and she didn't want another flower to leave her lips or else she will seriously faint. No one was awake - well maybe some of the members were but it's 3:00 am so even then, that possibility is low - which is why it would be quite a disaster if she had suddenly paled and collapsed. Yerim would know seeing her limp body would only cause nothing but panic in the morning.

With a look of resentment, Yerim grabbed the white flower and stuffed it down the garbage, of course tossing a few tissues to cover it's rather vibrant white colour. She didn't want to bother looking back it; surprisingly enough, something as sweet scented as a flower only brought her anger and frustration.

Yerim closed the door behind her and turned, her back facing the bathroom. She could only bask in the silence of the night, the desolate hallway that lacked the echo of her member's voices. Yerim ran her fingers down her face, breathing in and there she could feel the knot in her throat. The temptation to shed off another river of tears.

_This is so tiring_.

****

Yerim was not only avoiding Hyejoo - and sometimes Chaewon if they're together - but she was also avoiding the other two girls who know of her condition. It's obvious that they're concerned, given that they're giving her worried looks every few minutes - but Yerim can't even fathom to face them after lying to both their faces, after breaking the promise that Jinsoul so wanted to keep.

She didn't want them to realize that her internal struggles and the flowers leaving her lips had begun to blossom slowly. Sure they were beautiful, charming as well, and Yerim would actually take the time out of her life to adore them had it not been for the circumstances they appeared but it was hurting her; _killing_ her. And it seems like the members are slowly starting to catch up to the sudden battery drained appearance Yerim was showing (despite the fact that she's desperately trying to hide it.)

She was pale, and she knew that. Her lips were chapped, her back was slouched, there were deep bags hibernating under her eyes and Yerim's smile could barely reach her ears; if it did she struggled heavily.

It was almost unbearable and practicing choreography wasn't making anything better.

"Yerim, here." Yeojin skipped beside her, pushing a water bottle in front of her. The shorter girl was nonchalant but Yerim didn't miss the glint of concern that flashed in Yeojin's eyes. "Drink some water, you need it."

"I'm fine-"

"C'mon." Yeojin huffed, crossing her arms like a child not getting what she wants. Yerim really didn't want to move due to the severe headache that kept poking at the back of her head but who is she to say no to their maknae, right? With a defeated smile and a shallow sigh, Yerim took the water bottle and chugged it, trying her best to satisfy Yeojin. Which it did.

The younger girl smiled happily and skipped away, muttering a plan to annoy one of the older members.

Yerim turned around and she saw her face reflect against their dance studio's mirror. She mentally groaned at her appearance, irked by the fact that her members let her leave the dorm looking like she hadn't slept or showered in days (ok, well, technically sleeping had become a difficult task but she _does_ shower at least.) Quickly, Yerim shook away those thoughts and tiredly placed the water bottle against the table top surface.

Her eyes scanned the dance room, searching for a familiar warmth, something that will ease the pain that started to circle in the very pit of her stomach. Something that will envelope her in certainty that it will eradicate every feeling of frustration and even anger from her thoughts. _Just something_ something that will make this all disappear.

_Hyejoo?_

"Ok! Let's practice one more time!" Jinsoul clapped, getting the attention of all the members with her raised voice. Yerim heard Hyunjin teasing the older girl about her voice, to which Jinsoul brushed off with a playful eye roll, but it was barely audible. It's as if the sounds around her started to become something of a distant noise.

Yerim ignored it.

And she ignored the concerned stares from a certain same-aged member.

"K' get ready!" Sooyoung soon pressed play, quickly jogging to her position. They were dancing to Satellite, one of the songs that their fans seem to love and enjoy when seeing them perform the choreography during their practice videos. Yerim enjoyed it as well, but she could barely make out the melody of their own music.

Yerim walked towards the front, a smile on her face, and stared back at her daunting figure. She almost physically winced at her state but was quick to recover as she caught wind of Yeojin laughing along with Jiwoo after making a mistake. Heejin whined too, complaining playfully that those two weren't taking this one seriously, to which Yeojin only retaliated as she swayed to the song.

Yerim was able to hear majority of it, but she can't help but feel disconnected.

"Aye let's go Jungeun!" Jinsoul cheered as they started to walk into their triangle like formation, the part where the melody drops and Jungeun's sultry voice echo against the speakers. Yerim hastily stood behind them, Sooyoung and Hyejoo by her side, awaiting the time they move - both leaning towards Yerim.

The very part comes and Yerim feels a boost of confidence only for it to quickly topple like a rock sliding heavily down a steep mountain. The moment Yerim whips her head up to show her part of the song, she feels a sudden sharp pain electrocute every being of her body. Something sits suffocatingly in the base of her throat and all of a sudden her eyes can no longer catch sight of anything but a blur of wet tears. Yerim lets out a gasp, loudly, and doesn't even manage to complete the hand gestures.

But she catches a glimpse of eyes turning towards her.

_"Call the ambulance, now! She can't fucking breathe just call them!"_

She falls against, what seems like, Hyejoo's arms and she could no longer hear the blaring noises of their music. Her sight was too blurry to recognize anything vividly but she can see blobs of figures hurriedly approach her, some running to other faded figures, others clutching onto her body so tightly it almost matched the suffocation. Yerim continued to gasp for air but her exhaustion was starting to eat her up; catch up to her.

Yerim could almost hear Hyejoo's voice ringing in her ears. It was filled with so much panic and it sounded so broken, like it was cracking. Yerim could only see blood start to run down her lips and onto the hard tiles of their room.

She realized her body was still gasping, her lungs trying hard to take in at least the smallest bit of air but something in her throat had practically taken that away from her.

Yerim felt hands hug her tightly, voices screaming and shouting, footsteps running towards her.

And Hyejoo's one last cry.

_"Yerim, please!"_


	3. Love me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it goes~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is barely proofread so apologies for any grammatical errors and mistakes! other than that enjoy!

"Hyejoo, are you sure you don't want to-"

"No."

"Ok."

"Hyejoo, I think it's good that you get at least a good bit of fresh air-"

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Hyejoo sharply turned her head towards the two managers, eyes filled with nothing but exhaustion and fury, "I'm not leaving until Yerim's ok."

Chaewon pat her back soothingly, while Jungeun just offered the girl a tired smile. Hyejoo turned to glance at Chaewon and her eyes were sunken in red, cheeks puffy. Clear evidence she too had cried; all of them had.

All the other girls had gone off with their other managers to grab a few things from their dorm, some ventured out to buy from a local convenient store. Everyone wore a tired smile, one that was on the brink of faltering once left alone.

It's only been an hour yet it felt like it was an eternity from the moment Yerim was sent to the hospital.

 _Yerim_.

Hyejoo fingers clenched, bundling a small clump of her sweater underneath the very pads of her fingers. She felt her heart ache when she recalled the event over and over again; if only she could erase or even delete something like that from her memory but she knew that it forever etched into her vision.

It made her cry. Made her heart stop beating the moment she saw Yerim collapse, limply, against her own body.

Hyejoo remembered every single second and minute of that scene. She can still see the glowing red of blood that splattered below Yerim's harsh coughs and the streak of it dripping down her chin. Hyejoo can still _feel_ Yerim's body on her hands, gasping for air desperately while her she trembled uncontrollably. She can could almost still hear the screams of all the members around her, eyes brimming with tears as they tried to keep Yerim's eyes open. It was all a blur but it was also a reoccurring event that played in her thoughts like a broken record.

All of that was etched into her mind and _god_ does it hurt so much to see someone she cherishes so deeply go through something like that. It was a painful sight she didn't want to see again, not ever.

"Yerim will be fine." Sooyoung's rasp voice interrupted her intoxicating memory, but it only made her scoff. Sooyoung sat beside Hyejoo, eyes staring sternly at the door that separated them and their fellow member. "You, of all people, know she's strong-"

Hyejoo snapped her head towards her, "I know. But she's still hurt isn't she? She's still in _there_ because she couldn't cough up a fucking bouquet and-and the blood-" Hyejoo felt her heart race but her frustrations were just getting the best of her, "She couldn't breathe, Sooyoung. And I hate that I couldn't do anything to help her, to make things easier for her, to _protect_ her! She's not fine, ok! She's hurt, and I hate seeing her-"

Sooyoung pulled Hyejoo into an embrace, one that was tight and left Hyejoo no choice but to stay frozen in the older girl's arms. "I know you hated seeing Yerim like that. I did too, god, Hyejoo. I wanted to throw a brick at the doctors for being even a second too slow but listen-" Sooyoung stared into Hyejoo's eyes, pulling away at a decent distance, "-Yerim needs us- _you_ more than ever. Being angry at ourselves won't help us and won't help her. Ok?"

Hyejoo only pulled away from the hug but she hastily wiped away her tears, looking back at the door. Sooyoung took that a good sign and only smiled, one that was so faint it was barely visible.

She just wanted everything to be ok.

Hyejoo just wanted Yerim, to be ok.

****

"Feeling better?" The doctor's voice was still a muffled tune but it was much more transparent. Yerim could hear how the doctor pronounced her words and she was thankful to at least hear the clarity in that.

Yerim nodded, "Thank you." She muttered, quietly excusing herself considering her voice was nothing more than rough and gravely.

The doctor sighed, "You were lucky that the bouquet of flowers had barely grown completely or else you would have permanently damaged your voice-" She paused and she looked reluctant but proceeded anyway, "-or something worst could have happened." The doctor was careful with her words, obviously, but Yerim knew what she meant.

Yerim watched as the doctor fixed a few things while also instructing her about some medication she can take to ease the lasting pain that might have still been there. With a shallow sigh, Yerim asked, "Di-Did I get surgery, for this?"

Yerim was unsure of what answer she wanted. If the doctor were to say no, then she's technically more at risk for what's to come in the next few days - even worst that all her members know of her condition, that she's tried to keep hidden; even Hyejoo. However, if the doctor were to delight her with a yes, Yerim couldn't bring herself to feel the euphoria she _should_ feel. Sure the pain is gone, the risk of her life being put on a life line had completely become something of her nightmares, but what about those emotions? Hyejoo would only become a member, a friend in her own eyes. The memories are still there but the emotions are vacant.

It hurts to even imagine that vacancy. That emptiness.

"No." The doctor turned to her, a motherly smile plastered across her face.

Yerim blinked and didn't know how to respond. She opened her mouth but closed it right after.

"Honey." The doctor took small and gentle steps towards Yerim before sitting on the chair beside the hospital bed. Her hands clasped tidily on her lap, the doctor took a deep breath, "I know it's scary to communicate your feelings, especially when you're diagnosed with this. But trust me when I say this, it's better to have no regrets then to have one even if you think you did it for the better. You may think getting surgery will answer your problems, but what lies on ahead after that will only become a guilty path. The _what ifs_ and the _what could have beens_ will haunt you."

Yerim listened intently. The doctor grabbed her hand, her palm gracing Yerim's slightly colder skin, "Tell them what you feel, trust me on this darling, It'll be worth it." She paused and let go, standing up as she dusted off the little wisps of fabric off her snow white coat, with a smile the doctor glanced at Yerim, "I'll tell your members to come in and see you." She walked off, shoulders relaxed.

Yerim wondered what she knew but also feared her curiosity so she ignored it.

"Yerim!" Jiwoo and Yeojin's cries were the first to echo against the thin walls of the hospital room. Yerim hoped that her neighbor wouldn't complain considering it _was_ kind of nearing sunset. She was about to let out a light hearted chuckle until she felt bodies crash violently against her, an _oof_ escaping her lips.

"Can you guys relax! The girl just came from hell, let her breathe!" Hyunjin growled, though everyone knew her aggression was nothing short of playfulness. Without a second thought, Hyunjin hugged Yerim - which was much lighter - and the latter swore she heard Hyunjin let out a relieved sigh.

All the other girls greeted her, expressing their worries (Heejin shedding a few more tears while Kahei just soothed her) and bringing up so many jokes that Yerim _almost_ forgot a certain somebody. Someone who stood at the very corner of the room, tucked away under the shadows as if she was too afraid to leave the comfort of it. Yerim could only stare, unsure if her heart was ready to take in the next few hours.

"Actually there's this really nice store where we can buy some meals, let's all go!" Chaewon's voice rung in the walls, catching everyone's attention.

Jinsoul raised an eyebrow, gesturing lazily towards the small plastic bag of sweets and other junk food they bought, "But we already bo-"

Jungeun's eyes met Chaewon's and for some odd reason there was this subtle connection that sprung between the two. Almost as if they were communicating with each other telepathically, much to the amusement of Yerim. Jungeun quickly jumped towards the brunette, covering her mouth with the most tweaked, nervous smile on her face, "C'mon guys! Yerim, and all of us, need some real food. She deserves it! We'll just have all this junk food for dessert!" Jungeun pushed the other girls outside and as Hyejoo was about to follow, though reluctantly, Jungeun pushed her back.

Chaewon, before leaving the door, looked between Hyejoo and Yerim, "Hyejoo stay here and take care of Yerim, ok?" She had a certain smug undertone in her voice but was quickly pulled out of the room by, if Yerim were to guess, Jungeun.

The door shut and there was a silent click but for some reason it became the loudest object in the hospital room. Yerim fidgeted nervously with her bed sheet, playing with the fabric as if it was the most interesting thing to exist in this very moment. She took in a deep breath and let the slight wind from the air conditioner brush against her cheeks.

Yerim was mentally trying to keep her eyes trained on Hyejoo's figure but god she just couldn't. The burning fire in her heart was all too much every time she caught a glimpse of the light illuminating Hyejoo's soft features. Yerim looked away out of both fear of possibly coughing up another set of flowers and the pure anxiety of having to stare at the girl who had made her feel as if warmth was no problem, as long as she was there.

She looked away, turning towards the window with a faint and tired smile, "The view is nice." Yerim muttered, pushing away the instant regret far beneath her thoughts. Hyejoo didn't answer, only standing still, back turned slightly towards her. "I kinda miss the outside air. Usually, I love practicing but gosh sometimes I want to leave the dorm just for a walk in the park." She giggled.

Hyejoo only gave her a glance, but Yerim pretended it was out of her peripheral vision.

Silence sat in the room and it was starting to become a norm. Maybe it's only been a few minutes - it probably has considering none of the members have been back - but it honestly felt like hours. Yerim was way too afraid to look away from the ever so interesting window and glance quickly at the clock; she would risk meeting Hyejoo's eyes and she was _not_ ready for that.

Albeit being the same scenery, Yerim did find a bit of serenity in the view the window provided. It was nearing sunset and Yerim caught the lick of hot and burning colours of reds and oranges spread across the sky. There was small tints of left over blues that peeked between the various, hot shades as if trying to squeeze every last bit of it's appearance before being completely devoured. The sun was starting to descend into the horizon, slowly lowering beneath the line to which hid a whole different picture unseen by those who lived on this side of the world. Yerim mentally smiled at how gorgeous the sun looked as it slowly hid itself, shying away from their side and soon going to sleep beneath the depths of the clouds.

It was so stunning; Yerim liked sunsets.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Hyejoo's husk voice almost failed to cut through Yerim's intensive trance that it could be considered a miracle she actually heard her. Aside from the alluring descent of the sun, Hyejoo's voice was mellow and nothing but a near whisper; it's almost impossible to have heard it.

Yerim slowly looked away from the window, her heart aching to miss the sun fully dive below the horizon; she had basked long enough in the sunset to actually pine for it's absence after having to stare back at the beige wallpaper of her hospital room.

Nonetheless, Yerim didn't bother pretending to be alien to what Hyejoo was talking about. She was pretty much aware of how many lies she's told (and look where that brought her) and opted to just stay honest. Even if the bitter truth would become a pained memory for her to remember at least she'll get it off her chest. Better than having to regret and suffer with the same burden all of her life.

(Yerim doesn't consider it as a burden but she figured her toxic thoughts had become an influence to her consistent pessimism - which has become something so out of character.)

"I-" Yerim took a deep breath, refusing to look at Hyejoo directly, "I was scared." Hyejoo turned slightly towards her and there was that same expression that was way too complex for her to understand; it was discomforting.

Yerim took a deep breath and felt her shoulders tremble slightly when her eyes quickly met the taller girl's eyes. It seemed so hurt, so guilty for reasons unknown to Yerim. But she sighed, knowing that Hyejoo was waiting for her to continue on, "I was scared of ruining what we had already. I didn't want to lose more of you than I already had because I just-" Yerim felt a sudden surge of frustration circle in her veins, as if it was about, no, _going_ to be poured out, "-just _had_ to fall in love with you!" She raised her voice.

Hyejoo's eyes widened slightly but Yerim ignored the temptation to back track since she really couldn't now. "I thought, for the longest time, that I can hide it and keep it away. That _maybe_ I can wait for it to go away because I was so tired, Hyejoo! I was so tired of watching you and Chaewon have the time of your lives while I was in the corner hoping to god that I can just look away, but I _couldn't_! Because my heart just always ran after you, chasing after you for years on end thinking that one day maybe you'll turn around and notice but I knew deep inside you wouldn't.

I _tried_ Hyejoo, I really did. I tried my best to keep it at the back of my mind, to suppress it from ever interfering with my friendship with you now because I'm so afraid of losing you!" Yerim ignored the crack in her voice and the river of tears that started to escape her eyes, "And just my luck, just when I thought, maybe, I could really forget what I feel for you, _this_ happened to me. And, god, Hyejoo it was _hell_. I wanted to run to you so bad, so you can just make it all go away but how can I wh-when you were the reason for it-" Yerim croaked, digging her face into the palms of her hands. Her shoulders shaking endlessly as she let her tears run.

All the other noises became distant and Yerim could honestly care less if Hyejoo left the room out of sheer fear of whatever Yerim had practically screamed at her. The latter probably just wordlessly walked away, maybe muttering a quick excuse before catching her own breath after this whole thing went down. Yerim didn't want to doubt Hyejoo but she wouldn't put it past her for being awkward.

"Are you done?" There was a soft voice, one that was slow and gentle. Warm, even.

Yerim took in a shaky breath and nodded. She would've answered but that would require a voice and right now her ability to speak had practically been taken away from her.

She could hear light padding of footsteps approach her slowly and Yerim didn't know whether or not to be afraid of hearing it.

"I'm sorry I took so long." Hyejoo whispered and only then did Yerim notice that the other girl was no longer a large distance away from her but instead only a few inches. She didn't look up, fearing the worst when really this seems to be going in a direction that was way different from all the scenarios in her head. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Yerimmie."

Yerim mentally chuckled at the nickname, finding it endearing during a time like this where her emotions were getting the best of her. "It's not even your fault." She mumbled, hoping that Hyejoo would be able to hear it.

Hyejoo lightly chuckled. Yerim felt a pair of warm hands grab her cheeks, pulling it away from the comfort of her hands and as she was about to protest, Hyejoo's eyes had stopped her from doing so.

The left over sunlight that managed to sneak into the room had perfectly encased Hyejoo's features, coating her porcelain skin with the golden sunlight, kissing her cheeks with so much light it made her all the more prettier. Yerim found herself falling more and more in love with the charm that is Hyejoo's triangle lips and how her hazel brown eyes perfectly reflected the sheer rays of orange and red. It seemed almost surreal.

"But it is." Hyejoo whispered, "I was a coward." Hyejoo subtly giggled at the faint confusion on Yerim's face. "Because I was also scared of losing you, all together. As much as I hate cheesy, corny confessions; I'll gladly admit I'm a dumb idiot who's not only a coward but a hypocrite because, god, Yerim, you have no idea what you do to me."

Yerim felt her cheeks prickle with heat. But Hyejoo continued.

"Ever since, well, forever, everything about you was and is perfect. You understood me so easily it made me feel so confident and I loved how easily you pulled down my walls. Being with you brings me more energy than being on stage ever did and just hearing your voice or seeing your smile was enough to brighten my day all the more." Hyejoo chuckled, but her faint smile started to fade, "And when I saw you fall, coughing for your life, barely breathing, do you have _any_ idea how worried I was? How scared I was because I thought I would lose you, _forever_. Because it was worst than the time I thought confessing to you would completely take your attention away from you.

But this? This was worst. I was afraid of losing you, Yerim. So damn afraid because I think - no - I _know_ I won't be able to live a life without you. It hurts even imagining it." Hyejoo smiled at her, tears streaming down her face but Yerim thought it was much more graceful than hers did.

There was a brief silence and Yerim was unsure how to respond. She felt her heart beaming with pure glee while her stomach had a myriad of butterflies swimming around in it.

"Are you going to say something or are you going to keep getting snot all over your clothes?" Hyejoo smirked, laughing as Yerim pouted at her and hastily wiped away her tears, crossing her arms as she muttered a _shut up_. "Yerim."

She looked up, though bashfully as well. Hyejoo's thumb lightly rubbed a spot on her cheek, gentle and warm, "I like you, a lot. Dare I say, love too." She was blushing, Yerim could see it dead in the light, but Hyejoo was profusely ignoring it.

Yerim waited and smiled, widely, one that was filled with so much joy Hyejoo felt her heart edge on explosion. She leaned closer to Hyejoo, giving the girl a quick peck on the lips - one so quick Hyejoo couldn't react - and laughed at the taller girl's shocked expression. Yerim pressed their foreheads together and sighed, one that was of relief.

_"I love you too, Hyejoo."_

_****_

"You thought Hyejoo and I were, _dating_?" Chaewon raised an eyebrow and Hyejoo almost caught it as some kind of offense that Yerim said that she had such an assumption.

Hyejoo rolled her eyes whereas Yerim sheepishly tucked herself further below the pillow she was hugging (Hyejoo actually wanted to throw that pillow away and wrap her arms around Yerim but Kahei advised for the girl to get a breath of personal space; Hyejoo only huffed defeatedly), "Listen the two of you were really close ok!" Yerim pouted.

Chaewon faked a gag, to which Yeojin snickered at, "Believe it or not, Hyejoo was actually asking me how to confess to you because she was too puss-"

"Oh shut up!" Hyejoo growled, standing up with a deep shade of red dusting her cheeks. Yerim giggled and reached her hand out to the taller girl's shoulder, squeezing it as a way to calm her down - which worked. Hyejoo sat down, turning away from her members and settling on grabbing Yerim's hands, intertwining their fingers.

They shared a look of comfort, each of which filled with love. Hyejoo felt her heart race once she _really_ saw how Yerim's face was illuminated by the artificial hospital light. Her well sculpted face was charming and only proved as evidence of how much of a true beauty Yerim was. Everything from her eyes to her rose, red lips screamed how honestly cute and alluring Yerim was.

Hyejoo only felt her eyes feel all the more entranced by Yerim, especially when she just really wanted to give her another kiss considering Yerim stole the first one but-

"Great, now they're all going to be mushy. Disgusting." Yeojin's voice chimed.

-the other members are here.

Hyejoo sharply turned towards the younger girl, "Hey don't tell me that when you have those two having the thickest tension I could ever sense." She crossed her arms and her ears caught wind of Yerim's muffled chuckle, probably completely surprised at the snap. Hyejoo pointed to Jinsoul and Jungeun who's eyes widened.

Jiwoo and Sooyoung looked at the two and their eyes told everything. They were basically saying _Yeah, what's all that about._ And Hyejoo couldn't help but cackle at the two's reaction. Jinsoul started to stutter profusely while Jungeun looks like she wanted to run out the room; Hyejoo couldn't blame her for that but it was funny nonetheless.

Yerim tapped her shoulder, taking her attention away from their bickering members. Sooyoung and Jiwoo were in the process of practically interrogating the two girls while the others joined in to poke fun at the them. Hyejoo gave one last chuckle and turned to Yerim, her soft nature shooting back at her as she caught Yerim's beaming eyes.

"Hey you." Hyejoo smirked, leaning forward. She had _no idea_ where the hell she got her sudden confidence but she was thankful for it because the flush on Yerim's cheeks was all the more adorable.

"Hye, after I get discharged, is it ok if we-"

"Go on a date?" Hyejoo cleared her throat, trying her hardest to let go of the rather anxious feeling sitting so relaxed in her stomach. "And date, I mean staying home and playing a few games."

Yerim giggled, "I was thinking of talking first but that sounds nice too." She sheepishly looked away, her eyes looking a little distant and shy for a good minute; Hyejoo figured that Yerim was right too.

"We can talk too." Hyejoo intertwined their fingers, their hands perfectly molding with each other as if they were meant to be, well, practically they were. "Anything you want, Yerimmie." Her voice was soft and warm; something Yerim missed to hear since last week.

Yerim could only smile but this time it reached her ears.

"I'm really glad it was you, Hyejoo." Yerim whispered.

Hyejoo bumped their foreheads softly, basking in the warmth that radiated off of Yerim's body. Hyejoo could only feel her heart race at the thought that something _new_ , a new part of her life started to blossom. Sure, being an idol was a dream she never thought she would reach but she did, and she was happy. But to spend that dream of hers with Yerim in a way that was more than they have both ever imagined to be possible was something Hyejoo was excited to live with.

For a split second , she thought all this could still be a horrible dream where she could wake up to find a life where Yerim had only seen her as nothing more.

But when Hyejoo felt Yerim's breath fan across her face, their foreheads pressed against each other and Yerim's ever loving, bright smile illuminate beneath the light - she knew this wasn't a sick dream.

This was a real. Yerim was real. They were both real, _this_ was all real.

And as much as Hyejoo hated the flowers for hurting her Yerim, she was glad it pushed them together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this concept for Hyerim and I'm glad I was able write for the fandom! Of course there's more to come and i'l also get focused on writing for my other Hyerim fic :)  
> Hope you enjoyed this and until next time!
> 
> (i'm on twitter too if you need someone to talk to or if you just wanna talk! @ yejiichu)

**Author's Note:**

> I will very much update my other story soon!
> 
> Anyways, stay safe and healthy!


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